Don’t you just love a Rom Com? The couple’s eyes meet across the room. A spark of interest is ignited, she emits a slight gasp, could it be true?
Could this be it?
The scene has just activated the possibility of some long cherished wish being fulfilled. He weaves his way through the crowd and confidently strides over and asks “Hi, can I buy you a drink?”
We watch with anticipation as this intimate, private moment unfolds. Us and 300 other voyeurs crammed together into some darkened cinema.
Will she accept?
She does! He takes her hand and leads her to a quieter place. They begin to chat, possibilities unfold, connections begin, sighs and gasps intermingle as intimate sensations are felt within them and the audience.
We sense the importance of this connection and the immediate tension eases. We feel relieved, the movie plot continues and we are hooked.
Back in the Real World
Now, back in the real world, which doesn’t work from well-constructed scripts, with happy ever afters as the only destination point after some bitter sweet plot. Not all evenings out unfold with the clinking of glasses, wonderful spontaneous passionate displays, fireworks and lunch dates being set for the following day.
Many a woman, and man for that matter, may feel frustrated when their good intentions come to nothing and they go home on their own. Or worse, with some scary person, they are going to have the obligatory sexual encounter with and then need to lose them asap.
The next morning awakening to feeling disheveled, disillusioned and jaded by the failure of the glossy magazine to deliver with its “Sure Fire Tips to Getting Your New Man.” Especially after you had worked your way through the advertisers check list, which included the latest skirt, blouse and accessories for the perfect evening.
The Standard Social Model
Why isn’t this working? It is the standard social model on display, how to meet people. Whether the original contact point is via a friend, a bar or online. From that moment the interaction and conversations are up to the person. You have to wing it from that point.
Which part of the myriad of complex personalities within you is going to turn up on the date?
Do you have any idea?
What are your needs and agendas?
Do you love yourself enough to relate, date and mate with care, objectivity and responsibility?
Can you trust yourself to be open, fun, alluring, mindful, patient, discerning and responsible enough to ensure there is enough interest in you for another encounter?
Are you secure and mature enough in yourself to hold someone’s attention and delay a physical connection?
Or do you feel pressured by the presence of other women to be sexually available earlier than you would prefer?
Do you even know the person well enough yet?
Does your mind blur the lines between your desires, goals, standards, wants and greater goals, especially after a few drinks?
Are you enough as you are?
It can be a sad truth for many that if they are too keen and available for sex on a night out they may have trouble later in convincing anyone that there is more to them than being an easy score.
Do you feel that your mind’s desire for a quick fix and instant gratification sabotages your desire to bring in a beautiful, worthy, available partner into your life?
The problem could well be not the often quoted lament of women about the lack of available, quality partners. But more accurately the sabotaging effect of our own mind when it becomes restless, impatient, needy, noisy and prepared to drop our standards in the hope that we get it right this time.
Love and a Real Life
In reality, our ability to be open to love, can be influenced by so many issues including timing, desires, needs, courage, work commitments, domestic logistics, mental, psychological and physical issues, emotional wounds, ex’s, family and children’s needs, health concerns, religious and spiritual beliefs, financial, economic and other factors.
To be available for love at all, depends upon us being able to identify and manage these many internal factors that our mind is presenting as important.
Which part of you is actually running you?
When working on my clients the goal is to identify and help them prioritise their goals and desires. And with therapy, reduce the negative distracting noise from old wounds, issues and trauma that their mind is confusing them with.
This therapy strengthens and enables my clients to think, see, perceive and respond with courage and clarity in the moment. This allows them the luxury of being in the present time, to communicate, share and respond from that point, rather than being negatively influenced by old fears, wounds and hurts from their past.
In the next part of this Love Therapy story, we will explore other areas that can cause a person problems, as well as offering insights and solutions.
Paul Boulton is a Personal Transformation expert aka “The Heart Specialist” and is available for one-to-one consultations. To date he has worked with over 1200 clients in the unique therapy he offers. Visit www.targetedeft.com.au or call 0417 789 606. Paul is based from his shop in Montville, Sunshine Coast.